I'd like to thank you for making my beloved alma mater more woke and
progressive. In fact, the daily missives from UVA Today have transformed
me from a well mannered Southern boy to a fully woke devotee of Saul
Alinsky. Thanks to you, I now know that my white supremacist background
has given me a distorted value system that is antithetical to not only
the values of the University, but also to the various pagan gods that I
never knew good woke people should be worshiping. I have now devoted my
soul to the gods of Hatred, Division and Ignorance.
I am ashamed
of my past and previous belief system that was once rooted in the tenets
of Western Civilization and Judeo Christian ethics. To illustrate, just
one of the errors of my pre-woke value system, I once believed in the
sanctity of private property! I used to be a sympathetic admirer of the
writings of the Scottish Enlightenment. I realize now that this greedy
and carnivorous cabal was just a bunch of hate mongers, and David Hume
and Adam Smith were just evil, selfish white guys. Why what good UVA
alum could possibly think that private ownership of property benefited
the social construct? Ha, what a fool I was!
I used to have an
extensive library (another example of my white privilege for which I am
ashamed), but because of you, I have now burned all my books. Doing away
with Virgil, Livy, Gibbons, Bede, Thomas Aquinas, Locke and hundreds of
histories and books of classical literature has liberated me from my
Eurocentric past. I mean, what have Europeans ever done to advance
civilization? Certainly not as much as the Hutu or Tutsi tribes of
Rwanda!
I used to think that events from the past had a bearing on
our present times and could give us perspective on how to make our
world a better place. But now I know that these lessons from the past
are dangerous and if uncovered threaten the University’s mission to
cancel evil white guy culture. Why if the public actually learned these
lessons from the past, our fellow comrades might think that the
University’s leftist teachings are nothing but gobbledygook nonsense! We
must destroy knowledge or else we will never reach our goal of a
Marxist utopia!
Another example of my southern heritage that I
have now discarded, is my parents taught me to be polite, deferential
and respectful towards all people of all backgrounds. How bourgeois!
Thanks to you and your stellar leadership in allowing students to scream
trite, banal obscenities when debating important issues of public
policy, I have given up respectful, fact and logic based dialogue. I
have learned how to bowl over my adversaries. Why, the other day, I
walked into Brooks Brothers and stole a $750 sports jacket. When the
clerk confronted me, I fell into a histrionic fit, called him a racist
and screamed a torrent of cuss words at him. I was able to keep the
jacket. Sadly, they would not do the alterations for free despite me
repeatedly yelling the word “equity” and “justice” at the store manager.
By
the way, I am fully in the foxhole with Miss A…… (oops, see, that’s a
patriarchal misogynist gender title of the old regime), I mean with
Comrade Azhi! The nerve of Episcopal High School and the University of
Virginia and all of their honkey alumni for paying for her education!
She has every right to be angry and outraged. By the way, I listened to
the secret tape she recorded of your conversation with her. I was really
impressed with the way you pretended to be such a marshmallow. That was
just great reverse psychology. You really showed her who was boss!
I
have a another mea culpa to get off my chest. I need to expiate my sins
because I was once proud of my ancestry and their service to the
Commonwealth and our country. However, now I know they were all a bunch
of greedy, avaricious and treacherous bastards. My loathsome family has
been in Virginia for 400 years, and we have done terrible things, like
building businesses, creating jobs, philanthropy, inventing
technologies, serving on college boards and the vestry of our churches,
all elements of the white male system of oppression. No one did anything
cool, like attack a police officer or stick a gun in a pregnant woman’s
belly while robbing her. We have caused all of the institutional
problems the University has just recently discovered and now wants to remedy. Here are just a few of my family’s sins:
Building
a country out of the wilderness. We all know that nation states are
bad, especially those that have borders, oh wait, all counties have
borders. My bad.
Fighting in every colonial war and conflict that
our disgusting country has been involved. I used to be proud of their
courage and their sense of honor for fighting for what they believed in,
but now, thanks to my new UVA sponsored wokeness, I want to spit on
their graves! How dare they fight the British for independence and then
form a constitutional, republican form of government! That damned
constitution has gotten in the way of us fulfilling our Leninist
takeover of this country. By the way, to show you how much UVA Today has
changed my mindset, I used to think that the 100 million people that
Marxism killed in the 20th century confirmed its evil nature. Now I know
that evil is the one indispensable tool we on the Left have to bring
about radical, progressive change.
After I burned all my “Western
Civ” books and thought I had cleansed my house of its odorous past, I
found an old photograph of 22 members of the Coleman side of my family
(Caroline County) all dressed in the Confederate grey right before
hostilities began with the Union. Many were just young boys. They of
course were already brain washed as they all were descended from
Revolutionary soldiers who wrongfully fought for independence. The
family didn’t want to split from the Union, but Lincoln federalized the
Virginia militias, basically telling them they had to go kill fellow
Americans. I am ashamed that they didn’t want to go kill people in South
Carolina. What militant warmongers these Confederate soldiers were! I
am ashamed they had the gall and the pigheadedness to protect their
homeland from invasion from a foreign army for four long years. No doubt
they should have just rolled over and did what they were told. When I
read about their immoveable resistance at the Bloody Angle or standing
ankle deep at the Crater in a river of blood, thrusting cold steel into
the flesh of the enemy, I always think “what a bunch of sissies! Why
should we honor them?” Unfortunately, my Confederate ancestors didn’t
have the bravery to just go to a safe room and play with a University
sponsored therapy dog. What losers! The whole idea of duty, honor,
sacrifice and courage are certainly not the values we want to promote at
the University. I am so glad the University removed the plaque
commemorating these hedonists off the Rotunda. What a bunch of weenies!
Obviously, people who have spent their whole lives virtue signaling in
academia are much better people than those who gave their lives for
their country!
I always thought that it was property rights,
capitalism and free markets that liberated people out of bondage, but
now I know differently. If only you had been alive in 1860! Surely
someone as virtuous as you could have ended a 6,000 year social and
economic institution through the sheer power of your wokeness.
I
am so ashamed of my Occidental heritage. When I think of the damage my
race has caused the world, I just want to cry in my pumpkin spiced
latte! I feel such shame for all the toxic things we have invented that
have caused so much harm, such as the rule of law, constitutional
rights, electricity, the elimination of famines, the combustible engine,
nuclear energy, penicillin, clean water, sanitary sewer systems,
hospitals, spacecraft, weaponry to keep us safe, the internet, and well,
I could go on because pretty much everything ever invented is the fault
of my people’s arrogance. Surely, this county would be better off if
everyone ran around half naked with bear grease smeared on their bodies
to keep the flies off of them like the Native Americans were doing when
the evil white people got here. We certainly ruined their standard of
living.
I love the way you let the basketball team kneel during
the national anthem! My father and his three brothers ( all University
men, College, Law School, etc.) were soldiers during WWII. D-Day,
Normandy, Battle of the Bulge, Iwo Jima; they were all there being
jingoistic imperialists. I hate them! Why do we owe these people any
gratitude? When I saw those players kneel, I thought of my young Lt.
father at Bastogne, outnumbered, freezing to death in the snow, leading a
company of G.I.s against superior German forces, and then I laugh! How
does it feel you dumb son of a bitch to see a bunch of University
students disrespect you. Ha, ha, you imperialist war monger, I hope you
are rolling in your grave!
Now that I am woke, thanks to you, I
was wondering if I could take a class or two to learn some new
platitudinal buzzwords like “micro-aggression,” “intersectionality,”
“equity inclusion,” “problematic history,” “memory politics,” etc. When
these right wing fascists, like that medical student Bhattacharya,
disagree with me, I want to do more than just scream vulgarities at them
and call them a racist. I want some cool new words that have no real
meaning to scream at them too. And if I could use them in a rhyme, well
no one will be able to out debate me!
Speaking of
micro-aggressions, I have never had anybody of another race or gender
show hostility towards me, other than of course the multitude of times
my house or car has been broken into. Gee, if anybody was ever mad at
me, I think I would melt like a snowflake!
I love the way that you
extracted money from the taxpayers to engage in socialist economics.
Bravo! As everyone knows, the original 1819 Charter of the University
stated quite clearly that the President was to milk the taxpayers to pay
for his virtue signaling. If one looks closely at the original charter,
the paragraph about being a “good steward” of the taxpayer’s money was
scratched out.
Finally, I would appreciate it if you could keep me
informed of any riots, property destruction or arson I can help out
with. I am very much interested in silencing the free speech of anyone
who is not woke, especially those Nazis who make logic and fact based
arguments. I am available to dox them, get them fired from their jobs,
threaten their families, etc. Just let me know.
I am so thankful you are the head Commissar, oops I mean president of the University!
