If Lewis Grizzard Were President

Via Bernhard

“Right is where I am on the political spectrum. The only good liberal is one who has been thrown out of office or is up in Alaska somewhere trying to save the whales and isn’t around to get on my very last nerve.  In no particular order, then:

Welfare: I’m against it. I explain how to take care of people who are truly needy somewhere else in this book, but I can’t remember where.

Immigration: America first, with apologies to one of my heroes, Pat Buchanan.

Trade Barriers: Tell the Japs if they try to sell one more Toyota, we’re cranking up the Enola Gay again. We need to continue to trade with England, however, because I own a Jaguar and might need some parts. 

Defense: Stay strong, I don’t trust anybody.

Quotas: No, but I do wonder why there aren’t more black hockey players and so few Jewish country-music singers. 

The Environment: Put a tent over Los Angeles so whatever it is they breathe out there doesn’t spread to the rest of the country. Close New Jersey. Protect the water. Mover the ozone layer over Chicago so the people who live there can warm up for once in their lives.

Capital Punishment: I’m for it. Not a single person ever executed for murder committed another one.

All-Female Golf Clubs: The holes would be too short for a long hitter like me, so go right ahead ladies. 

I’d make whining against the law , too . . . I’d make members of Congress pay for everything in cash and travel on Amtrak.  Coach.  I’m very angry at Congress and probably would become even angrier if I were President and had to deal with it.

I would put any television evangelist who isn’t already in jail behind bars if he cried while begging for donations. I would put an immediate cap on television talk shows, like Donahue, Geraldo, and Oprah Winfrey.  

I don’t own a single fur anything, however, and if animals were protected against becoming coats and hats, it would save men a lot of money because their wives wouldn’t ask for such expensive clothing. I’ve never owned anything from lizards, but I do remember a story from that great American Jerry Clower, the storyteller.

Jerry said he was on a talk show in California and was wearing his lizard boots. One of the show’s producers saw his boots and began to lecture him about the fact a little animal had to die for him to have those boots.

Jerry replied: “No ma’am. The lizard they used to make these boots had done been run over by a Greyhound bus and the bootmaker found him in the road.”

He also added, “Some people are educated way beyond their intelligence level,” which says a helluva lot.” 

(I Haven’t Understood Anything Since 1962, Lewis Grizzard, Villard, 1992, excerpts, pp. 263-265; 277-278)