A Fistful of Rebates or screw Clint Eastwood

Iowahawk
Verbatim Post

It’s halftime.

Both teams are in their locker rooms discussing what they can do to win this game in the second half. Diagramming plays. Texting their agents and German supermodel wives. Reviewing Belichick's aerial spy photos.

It’s halftime in America, too. People are hurting, and it isn't because of towel snapping and the ol' Kramergesic-in-the-jockstrap prank. They’re beat up and bruised, and wondering what they’re going to do to make a comeback. We’re all scared, because this isn’t a game. And because we're up against the Dragons and their all-Asia linebacker Hong Kong Chong with his crazy 'roid rage chopsockey chop-blocks.

The people of Detroit know a little something about this. Okay, yeah, so this isn't Detroit, it's actually New Orleans. So sue me. We were supposed to film this in Detroit, but GM rented it out to film their Chevy Truck Apocalypse ad. But imagine this really was Detroit, with all its gritty inspiring he-man decay. When the chips were down we all pulled together, hosed down the streets, and turned up the dramatic shadow lighting. Now Motor City is fighting again - as the world's cheapest location shoot for zombie movies.

Sure, I’ve seen a lot of tough eras, a lot of downturns in my life. I was in 'Every Which Way But Loose,' for crissakes. There were times when we didn’t understand each other, because you complained that I sounded like an emphezema victim who gargled with Grape Nuts. The fog of division, discord, and blame made it hard to see what lies ahead, no matter how hard I squinted.

Goddammit, somebody get me a throat lozenge.

But after those trials, we all rallied around what was right, and acted as one. Did you see me bitch and whine after 30 takes with a smelly orangutan? No. I sucked it up and yelled 'action' one more time. Because that’s what we do. We find a way through tough times, and if we can’t find a way, then we’ll call the trainer and order another orangutan, one that doesn't throw its turds at the union crew.

All that matters now is what’s ahead. How do we come from behind? How do we come together? And, how about we slip a couple hundred bucks the ref?

Detroit’s showing us it can be done. Just like Sergio Leone did with Spaghetti Westerns, It's reinventing a dying American institution with a fistful of dollars from sleazy Italians - and with me at the top of the marquee.

You're seeing the results in innovative new cars like this pink Fiat 500 J-Lo Edition. Maybe it's not a Gran Torino, but it's made in Torino. Or Ontario, or something. The important point is this: you buy one of these Italian-Canadian babies, and you'll be getting Chrysler the cash it needs to pay back the loans to the government that pays the bills for everybody in this whole city.

And, what’s true about Detroit is true about all of us. This country can’t be knocked out with one punch. We get back up, slip again, and send the video to our personal injury lawyer. And when we do - the world is going to hear the roar of our engines.

Well, maybe not 'roar.' What sound does a solar electric engine make? Zweep or something, I guess. Anyway, they'll hear something like that.

And if Emperor Toyota thinks he can underestimate us again, like back in '41 - well, Make My Day, Punkazuki. A new Enola Gay is headed your way, and Captain Obama and his fightin' boys from the UAW are ready to drop a hybrid electric PT Cruiser to blow your market share back to the Stone Age.

Yeah, it’s halftime America. But we're only down 15.4 trillion to 0. Now let's get back out there and cover the Vegas spread.

And, speaking of hideous rusted clunkers from Detroit, please enjoy Madonna's halftime show.

CHRYSLER - DODGE - JEEP - FIAT - DESOTO - GOOD - BAD - UGLY

IMPORTED FROM DETROIT

INDEBTED TO OBAMA