What Every Southern Man Should Be Able to Do

 

 Daniel Boone

I was killing time the other day in my office looking through human interest websites (because I’m human, and I was, you know, interested), when I found an article called “25 Things Every Man Should Know How To Do,” or something like that. I forgot the exact wording because I didn’t bookmark the article, and I didn’t bookmark the article because it confused me. And it confused me because, at first, I thought the article was a joke. The entire list of 25 important manly things didn’t include a single thing that I didn’t already know how to do. And what was more important, the list was so basic and obvious, that pretty much every person I know also knows how to do everything on the list – including a lot of women I know, too.

It was almost like reading an article describing how important it is to breathe air if you want to stay alive. Duh. The list included things like changing a tire, changing the engine oil in a car, building a fire, reciting the military phonetic alphabet, fixing a toilet, chopping down a tree, reading an electric meter, jumpstarting a car, etc. Seriously? Who doesn’t know how to do all that? I even know a doggone hairdresser that knows how to do all those things.

And then it hit me. Yankees. Yankee men are the ones who can’t do this stuff. I mean, for all their enlightened nosiness into other people’s business, they really don’t know much about anything that really counts. Or, as my daddy would have said, “Yankees ain’t got no sense, y’all.” I’m not even sure how Yankee men are even able to reproduce, because what woman would be attracted to any man who couldn’t do all those things? Well, a Yankee woman, I guess. The only thing I can figure is that Yankee women must be swooned by socks with sandals.

So, the result of all that is my creation of a separate (and much more advanced list) of 10 Things Every Southern Man Should Be Able To Do.

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